Epitome...

It is certainly difficult being born as an epitome of failure. Nobody likes to fail. Neither do they wish to do so. But, despite all the efforts, time, energy and everything that is involved in trying to avoid failing, when the ultimate result is otherwise, there we have myself shining brightly as the lone star burning off all the vocabulary at my own self. 

The above lines are not just a flow of thoughts. They are more than that. The first paragraph etched here has been striking me from within for the past few days. Looks like it is more of a reflection of myself that I have somehow happened to catch a glimpse of. How true, isn't it? I am sure you are able to comprehend the magnitude of that first paragraph because, if that is not true, you would not have abandoned camp. 

The silence. The negligence. The everything comes to me because I am a failure. Otherwise, there would have been a courtesy, some conscience or at least a f@ck thrown at me. The only thing I have been succeeding is in not missing to fail every single time. I can escape it all saying God failed me, you failed me, society failed me, circumstances failed me. But, at the end of the day, I am defined by my identity which has become "The failure". 

These words are not flowing smooth. Vision blurs. My breath chokes. Many a dawn and dusk I have sat on the terrace staring at the empty skies. I have been sitting motionless gaping at the random happenings in the immediate society. I have absolutely nothing in hand, yet, I am carrying so much inside. I have to clear the clutter to see clearly. 

 

People rarely talk about failures because they have very few or none. I cannot even rarely talk about my success because all I have is my thorough knowledge about how I expertly fail. In gardening, I can create life with a handful of soil but not even a handful of things I have from my Life to showcase myself. How strange, isn't it? 

A person can fail in one aspect of life and have other aspects intact. Say, fail in career and still have a life or fail in personal life and still have a life. But, can there be someone who has failed in anything and everything he/she has set foot upon? I don't need a mirror because I can already see myself clearly as the answer for that question. Impossible is nothing. And, there is something in nothing. So, it makes the equation change as something is impossible. And, now I am that something. 

Phew! That was headspinning realisation. Of all that kills me is when my inner self catches hold of my collar and screams, "It is because of the fact that I have failed so much that December 2019 happened like how it did instead of how it should have been". Failure, because nobody could ever see anything else other than that in me. Not even you. No. I am not lamenting. This is what it is, isn't it? 

This is one of the posts in a very very long time where I am choosing my words very carefully and that is proof enough that it is not some random flow of words and there is something in this. Maybe, the answer to why you did what you did. I have no success, yet. Thus, the epitome of failure. -rPhoenix