I don't have a particular issue to write about. Maybe this post is all about myself. Maybe i am temporarily lost for words. In fact, i never had a great command over this language to feel lost now. Right now, i stare at the screen following the cursor as it leads the pack of words that will be etched here as a memory from this night. I realise that i can never make these words catch up with the cursor. And, eventually, when this collection of words become a memory in my page, the cursor would find no place here. Does this have something to tell? Is it like whatever i chase finally would evade me and is it just the efforts and its memories i have to live with? Then, what is the purpose of this life? As i can clearly see, when everything is so evasive, even the last breath would be in the same league. With this conceptual clarity, it makes me feel imprisoned. If i had been imprisoned within four physical walls, i would have been able to confine my thoughts and life to the walls and tried adapting and adopt an approach that would serve the purpose of existence within the walls.
With the previous sentence ended, i feel imprisonment is not the right word. It is more like feeling lost, or maybe abandoned or maybe..... I don't understand. I can't make out anything out of this. I don't feel anything anymore. The music that was playing has stopped now. I frantically search for more. I can't rest until i find something being played again. It is very late into the night now. It is the time when i have once upon a time been dreaming and sometimes been so engrossed in love. Very rarely, i have been biking at this hour. My statements are slowly becoming meaningless. Now, another dimension opens up. Why did she seek refuge in me? Why did she rule me? Why does she not let me fade? Why does she not let me sink? Why does she always have to come to my rescue during this mental turbulence. Why is it that i have to always see her picture on my desktop and feel better? Why does she give me so much hope even from a frozen moment? Why does her texts always make me feel reborn again? Why is there nobody around to give me a helping hand other than memories about her? Why should it always be her who comes to my rescue? Why? What? How? Questions. I feel i need a lifetime to seek answers...
I have come through couple of paragraphs now and yet i have a storm lashing inside me now with full intensity. I witnessed a storm recently. So beautiful is nature and its creations that the storm upon hitting the shore calmed down. When am i going to seek calmness residing in her? When would it be the right time for me to resurface again? Why is acceptance so time-consuming? More than time, it is consuming me. More than anything else, i have to ask, if she is aware of the slightest of the things happening inside me? What is keeping her so quiet? In this game of gods, why is it that i have been thrashed upon like in a Roman weekend game? Do all of them undergo such instances in their lives or am i the exception like being unique in everything else?
I do not seek answers, neither do i want anything else. I just need her. Her voice, her love, her patience, her words, her tolerance, her magic to heal, her beauty to drool, her shoulder to fall, her power to change, her innocence to play, her pranks to laugh, her calls to talk, her texts to reply, her wishes to succeed, her heart to smile, her hug to cry, her pain to bear, her smile to share, her wishes to pray, her temper to test, her fingers to poke, her cheeks to draw, her nose to fight, her mind to relax, her everything for eternity. I wouldn't blame time for ticking, i wouldn't question fate, i wouldn't mind ageing, i wouldn't care to look back, i wouldn't do anything than to be loyal than her shadow, ever walking along even during darkness and never to miss her ever again... As she rightly said, am abnormal. I agree 'cos i feel so much in love with her. I know i will get to see her again. Will talk to her again. Will live with her forever to eternity. The flow of words have calmed finally. I've sought refuge in my love. The storm has taken a break after hitting the shore. Once again, it is she who comforts me. But, this storm will never end until it hits her heart's shoreline. Till then, i will now get back to searching topics to write about, new posts to read from other pages and also, stay safe and sane for the moment to unfold...
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