Sometimes you think you are about to break down while not knowing that you have already gone to shreds inside. Sometimes you run away from scribbling what is about to flow out. Sometimes you just hope the day gone past and the moment from the past to be an eternity to live in peace with the one and only one you always wish to breathe your last. In scenarios alike it dawned today. To find some hope or to confide in such hopes, the archives were opened, the tunes were playing, I still tried to postpone. In one instance of a miracle coming alive and slapping hard, I am here now. I wished for you to be here, I wished for a song and all of that happened at once. Right now, typing with trembling fingers, making many a mistake and still scribbling as fast as I could, here we go with a painful confession.
Scenario 1: I confess I should have not asked for time to speak to your parents giving that reason "we will settle and then be able to convince them better to accept us". In this, I got time, and that time gave all challenging scenarios to split us apart. I had nobody to help or guide me. I had only one thing in mind. I should not lose you ever in Life. I promised myself that and I did everything possible to my capacity to fulfil that promise. The endless tears that run now even after all of it we have been through is proof enough for this intention. I visited every possible temple back those days for this reason. I wanted help. I needed help. I had to fulfil what I promised. Nobody helped. Not even the Gods. Only I know of the infinite moments of prayer and tears in front of many a altar. It pained, it pains and it will pain until this soul is crushed beyond existence. Why did it pain? The pain is when you asked me "Will you lie and still give a smile?". This, you asked a decade ago. To be frank, that pain did not arise when you asked. I knew of this even before that. But, when you asked, I wanted to give a solution but I could not, and speaking from today, I should say "I did not". I failed. This scenario should not have happened. I realise we should have spoken to your parents even before we had settled.
In this scenario, what made me wait was, say, we speak and they accept and we start a half-baked life and later whenever friction arises, we will be blaming each other for taking a decision so soon. I did not want that to happen. Looking back now, if I really "wanted"you, I would have chosen an early approval. But, I needed you and I need you. Hence, I waited. Alright, this is a confession. Off to the next confession.
Scenario 2: I confess that all the astrologers I had spoken with mentioned that it will be a troublesome marriage for you and I would suffer a lot if I married you. Maybe I will even die if I marry you. And, your second marriage would only be stable. And, as for my horoscope, my life partner would leave me and I will live alone. These two things made me go with the flow and I kept a casual approach whenever you asked me about settling in life. Because, even I was processing these things so hard in my mind and heart and I did not back down. Say, I marry you and I die. You suffer. I marry you and you leave me. Again, more than me, you suffer. Thanks to our society. Or, should I see you marry someome n then he dies and then I marry you?... I honestly know I am not sadist enough for that. Hence, I kept fighting in 2019 and never left it until you know what and how things went. That October, when I was finally informed of what had been going on since May even after the word you gave me, it was too much for me to process. I simply let things flow and waited for a miracle. Hence, I still wait for an answer from you to know exactly what and how it all unfolded.
In this scenario, I lost all access to you. Instead of a certain death, I am dying every moment, I wish I had chosen a different a scenario, or why did destiny not have any mercy on me? Confessions done. I know this will also come back at me as a treason or betrayal for not conveying what the astrologers had told. I agree. My Love for you made me do all this. Good or bad, good and bad, whatever you would label it, is not the point. Maybe I chose the wrong scenario and Karma has me in its stranglehold and hence I am alone. I admit, I am not the "know all" to have handled it better. I was also born as a mortal and I am also bound by karmic consequences.
But, I can see in all these years since 2019, you have taken a better approach and decision than me and you are blessed with a family and its prospects. So, what I feared did not happen. You did not get to suffer. And, I present my sincerest apologies to have put you in that place where you had to lie and yet give a smile to your family back those days. Now, you are free. I am also free to an extent that you are not still in that place. But, I made you do it. And, I will pay for my karma. Even now, I am not the scriptwriter to have penned this down perfectly. There will be many doubts, questions, curses on me. That's how my destiny is. Even if I do good, I am still the bad guy. I have gotten used to this. I confessed. Day by day I get better. The day I am the best will be my last on this planet. But, you are the best ever since you were born. There are many who can substantiate this better than me.
You may wonder why there were curses on you until previous posts and why so much praise in this post? No matter what, my heart still holds that love for you as its prime priority and has held the space only for you. The curses are from the mind. The praises are from the heart. Confessions are from the soul... -rPhoenix
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