There is hope. And, hope is dangerous for people like me. For, hope lets everyone breathe further. Well, I have to breathe as long as I clear my debts to few people. I see God's cunning hand in always keeping me with some debts so that I will not take the plunge into the after-life. I do not have the mindset to look into anyone's eyes right now for where I stand in my Life. I do not meet people, I do not talk to anyone, I am simply not connected anywhere. I do not know what I am here for. But, I have to ensure the debts are cleared to keep my name intact.
It is 3A.M in the morning. I have not slept despite taking medication that makes anyone drowsy. There is anxiety, there is fear and behind all these stands hope. I have been practically termed hopeless, yet it is this hope that is pumping life into me irrespective of whether I am willing to live or not. Such sad state of affairs, many perish in an air crash who were all loved even after such a tragedy. But, I stand here talking of my lack of interest to live. Actually, if such was the picture you had in your mind, well, let me tell you. I do have interest to live. But, reality is beating me down when I find everyone ignore me and exert themselves to keep themselves away from certain things.
It has been nearly a year since I went outdoors for long. I have imprisoned myself, yes. I did it to myself. I did not make friends. I did not do anything weird, I did not take myself to be in proper health. Rather, I keep my hopes high, with true intent to repay all my debts to those people. But, will the gods have mercy? I worked my way through since late teenage to find my family members stay away from debt and I had huge success in it until recently when I found it pile up again. I put this effort as the foremost forgetting food, sleep and even my Life.
If you are one among them who are reading this and consider me indebted to you, I am giving you the assurance that whatever you have lent me will reach you irrespective of my existence. You may wonder why am I documenting this here. Well, I am growing weaker by the day and I hope to settle all the debts I owe. My health has fallen to an all time low after 2011. It was a great depression back then and today, it is the second round that has landed me in the hospital for medications. The medicines are not working but, my hope is still working out. For those who have lent me, there is no need to worry as I have framed the masterplan that will repay all of you even if am no more.
The world has so much to be written about, and I am writing this here. I long to smile, cheer and laugh aloud. But, I spend my days only with those who were born with me and those who gave birth to me. And, at times when I see my failures reflecting even in their eyes, I become a degree weaker than before. Why would I blame you, my Love, for keeping away when in everyone's eyes, I am an epic fail. -rPhoenix
No comments:
Post a Comment