Some stuff...

Some statements, some terminologies, some phrases are not meant to be heard or received. Not from your very near and dear and never from your loved one. Everyone undergoes stressful times and everyone has problems. And, there will be so much that we will come across or hear or feel during these times. What lets us come through in spite of our scars is not the motivation or determination, but the absence and avoidance of certain statements or terminologies or phrases. If such things are avoided, we get through faster and stronger. But, if those things happen, they will create scars bigger than those bitter experiences.

So, what or how many such statements or phrases or terminologies have I come across and when, is what I am about to describe here. And, most of all, I will give you my exact feeling and impact due to them. Sounds so much fun, isn't it? Because, obviously these are insults to myself and when I publicise these, it is going to give utter satisfaction to those stalkers from my past and those who have been waiting for this day. Cheers, people! Come on, let us have some fun.

"Now I know why everyone left you". This is a great scar inside me. When I heard it come, I almost dropped dead, became pale and till now I can keep adding how it affects me day in and out because the person has not taken back those words to have been spoken in a fit of rage or anything else. 

"As if you are going to fulfil my desires". The most recent and the most devastating of all was this. It came at a time when I was least expecting anything even closer to that statement. It was like the almighty calling me to heaven and throwing me all the way deep into hell's horrible chambers. This type of statement or anything even closer to this is sure to derail all hope and faith one has on oneself. 

"I feel ashamed to have known you". I did not feel anything when people said this because, they were only evaluating their overall experience in the few years or months they had known me. Still, everyday I sit back and think as to why no one else turned back and said it was a statement out of anger or rage. And, why did no new people take me into their circle. So, it is something to be ashamed of. And, by the passing days I can feel a lot of shame. Maybe, when they were feeling ashamed, I was a lot more shameless and now something is reversing. No idea.

"You are pathetic", "You are a damn pathetic loser" and such kind. These have come from people younger than me and those people I guess should have seen Life a lot more than me being younger to me to have given such statements or phrases. Well, I am a loser. I have evaluated the same with respect to how everybody is supposed to be winning in Life at different stages of Life. Am I pathetic? Maybe yes. Why? This very post of self-shaming can be proof for the same.

"Selfish jerk", "I have lost all respect on you". I cannot defend about the selfishness part. But, when people said they have lost all respect on me, I wondered as to how many times I was treated with respect. I do not deny their respect. Still, when I introspect, I think about it and I have been taken for a ride many times than being treated with that respect.

"Who the heck are you?". Yes, Who am I? *Wry smile* 

"You do not have a job and you talk about making me live my Life in same lifestyle?" People, you can very well guess from where this would have come. Even the little bit of self esteem, self confidence that I mustered fell apart upon hearing this. When I think about this, a choking feel hits my throat and with moist eyes, I try to divert myself from this stark reality although I know there is truth in that statement. Then, why do I get moist eyes? It is because, I never knew my Life could turn upside down and leave me where I am stranded right now.

"You need not wish me", "Your wishes are not needed", "Please do not wish me, I may fail". The classic of all is this category where people think if I wish, they might fail or their desires might not materialise. Upon coming across this for quite some time, the faith in myself to be a "Living curse" strengthened inside me. But, when I used the Living curse tag upon myself, those people who gave the above statements denied that I was a living curse. At first, I felt confused. Now, it makes sense to me. I am not just a living curse, I guess I am something far worse than that. That is why probably they were asking me not to use that Living curse tag. 

"I hate you", "I don't care about you anymore". I know nobody likes me. I got used to hatred and to accept the former did not take much time because, my self-realisation brought me to terms with it. But, the latter, I do not know. I cannot come to terms till date.

So, I have listed down few of them here. Do not sulk. These are not the only ones. There are a lot of such insults and scars that have marred me. I do agree that I could have listed few more or if time permits, I could have listed all of them. I feel the whole ocean need not be sampled to prove that there is salt in it. Just a small sample would do, right? I hope all my stalkers from the past, my readers from France, Poland, unknown region, Indonesia, Singapore, United States, Canada, India, South Korea, Netherlands and other countries had a great time reading this post?! I do not know if people from so many countries are reading this or if their proxy servers are giving me those varied geographies. Never mind. Ultimately, it is those who read that matter. And, I hope I have given you "The day" you were all looking for. If some of those readers did have an impression about me in good terms, let this post show who I am in reality. I hereby take a chance to give all credit to those who uttered those statements, phrases or terminologies at me. Cheers! -rPhoenix