How long?...

I have been angry, upset and totally helpless. But, for how long can I hate you? Can I even do that? I tried. I tried to remain angry. Maybe I still am angry but, I see I cannot do that anymore. I have tried to stay away, push you away, even throw abuses, but did it work? Partly yes, mostly no.

The fondness I have for you never reduced. Even after you have shut all the doors for many years, I have this fondness that always makes me what or who I am. Deep in my heart, I know you are there breathing the same air and walking the same ground. Those that are not known to me are things you wish to keep it for yourself. 

You love to see people hate you. Hence, you made me do the same. Maybe the violent circumstances of early life, the disappointments from those years built you as a fighter who always wishes to keep fighting for achievements. Or, maybe something else. But, you do not like to be loved. That was the first thing I learnt about you. Your heart versus mind battle is a classic example. 

Oh, how can I talk only about you and create an image of myself being so clean or perfect?! Well, I can write about you. But, I am not the one who should be doing the same about myself. If you wish to write about me, you can. Will you? I have my own doubts. Coming to the point of why you do not like to be loved is because, you hate yourself instead of hating the circumstances. You try to absorb all the blame to yourself.

I know I have a long walk alone. But, I am not lonely. I know there are moments where you are not alone but you feel lonely. This is it. This is what is the core of our life's issues. Yes. I said our life's issues. I am alone but not lonely. You are not alone but lonely. I know your defence has been against what I have just announced. Lonely, here does not mean totally feeling lonely in the literal sense. Lonely, here refers to the absence of the presence you always yearn(ed) for. 

You hate people talking for you. You hate people thinking about you. You hate people trying to help you. Of course, you are a fighter. Right? So, no wonder you are alike. But, you are prone to being misused. That is how your nature is. Stop hating me for speaking all these out. I know what your mind is thinking right now and what your heart will undergo later on. Yet, I had to say all this out. Better late than never. But, let me knock ur head and nail this fact on the emerging bulb on your head- "You cannot be hated". -rPhoenix