Flashes...

I have seen your face more than ever in the last few days. I cannot abstain from looking into your eyes. I have scribbled a lot here. What filtered out as words here are not even a fraction of what has been going as thoughts inside. Some memories are too far from the timeline but how they defy time to stay so close and poke every now and then, only to keep me awake to keep looking into those eyes and be lost in a vast universe of your self. 

Flashes of moments that are so precious, say, like that hug from the last meet, looks of concern and words and smiles and laughter and everything keep getting brighter and louder. And, then I panic. I know something is coming at me. It feels like 2019 again where I had this same feel but had no clue what it was. This panic is one thing but from where are you echoing so loud now? All of a sudden, out of nowhere. 

Who is missing whom here? Same old questions hinder clarity from emerging. I am not anywhere nearer physically but I feel am so close to you mentally. In every other dimension, there is something happening. Maybe it is just me. Or,.....? I have no clue. This altar houses every direction of thought I have taken in all these years. Of recent, I have even taken the dreaded direction of throwing abuses at you. I thought that will end it all. But, now I stand here facing an evergrowing force and might of you, my $#@£✓.

I take a lot of time now to go through any botheration. Yet, why are your eyes so drawing me in? That is one black hole with gravity massive enough to suck me into where I am right now, staring at voices and visions blinding me from saying or doing anything else. Yes. There are people around. Plenty of sights to see. But, they all seem to be going past. You, as a force have remained all along. What are you? Seriously, who are you? Why are you so irreplaceable? 

Tell me. Why are you whispering so loud? Why am I feeling like I should be sitting with you in a park bench with a waterfront looking at infinite sunrises and sunsets? Why am I doing this heart speak after so many years? Was I dead all these years? Was I in shock? So, am I awake now? Or, am I losing myself now? What is this? Why is this...? So many things. Waffer, Daff, Balloon dress, study material, morning walks, desserts, celebrations, frozen frames, exam tension, deadlines, promises, verses, nail decor, kicks, knocks, oh for f@ck's sake... I need liberation....! 

I know my Love is true. Still, I will play it down to say, your parents' love is many times above mine. That is why you chose what you chose in 2019. Enakke ippadi irukku'na, how crushing it would have been for them if I had taken you away? Hey! Your parents love you more than I love you. After all this, I am so sure about this. And, I cannot and will not take you away from them. The rest will remain inside me. *playing Kadhal mazhaiye from Jay Jay* -rPhoenix