Purpose?... What?

With the way things are turning against me, I get a feeling as to what I am fighting for and why? An employee works looking for rewards and remuneration, a labourer works for wages, a dog wags its tail for a treat from its owner. Likewise, everything we do should have some purpose or something to achieve. But, with what I see, whatever I am striving for, I am only seeing further burden added than a new beginning.

I have been fighting for a long time but all these years, it was in the name of positivity and in the lines of seeing some improvement. But, only this fine morning it dawns upon me that the fight is simply giving no rewards or has any real purpose. Right now, leaving everything aside and seeing my Life, it looks like even if I fight and struggle and swim across, I will be reaching a grave. And, if I simply end it right now, I will still be only in the same grave. 

So, what is all the fight for? What am I striving to achieve here? My lines of progress seem to be a straight and flat line with no scope for improvement and all that I am doing is only to sort out what my previous generation messed up with. I do have dreams, desires and what not. But, all I am forced to do is clear the previous generation's mess. In doing this, I am suffering a loss not limited to health and wealth but also to the priceless years of my prime. 

Clearly stuck in this, if I am bestowed with other means of Life-enriching experiences like living with my Love, having my own family and the like, I could find some meaning out of all these struggles. But, denied of everything, I am simply asked to keep repaying debts, reworking my plans, budgets, trying to find a way out but in spite of doing so much, I am finding myself swimming in waters that have already gone above my safe limits. 

This is no complaining. This is no call for help. This is just an account of a person whose Life went for a toss because of people failing to sort their dues within their generation, because of people not speaking out when it mattered, because of people just abandoning camp and letting me handle this mess that has nothing to do with me or my actions. This is turning out to be meaningless, all these daily struggles, pointless budgeting, never-ending calculations, surviving on false hopes, fighting beyond the span of control, seeing far ahead into the unknown, when the very next moment is so unknown, how fair is it to ask me to look so much ahead in time and expect me to make a fool-proof plan for the future? 

It is not that I am not willing to fight. Oh, come on. I have just completed my budgeting for the next year or so. I am never in the present. I always keep myself a year or more ahead and look for any hazards. This post is coming after analysing my position from March, 2019 point of view plus few more months if extended. Anything can happen anytime. Am I being positive or negative in saying that? Time will answer. -rPhoenix