I feel like crying out. I want to pour it out. But, there is no one around. There is a heaviness inside that is consuming my inner self. There is a sense of guilt, pain and frustration that is trying to rob me of the little that I have in hand. I might have used words earlier that might have sounded like curses but, they are not alike. For whatever I have been holding inside, there is no way to express it through words. It is something that can only be experienced and not spoken out. This is something that the Gods have to answer.
My head is aching. It has been many years since I slept well. We have come past expression, dismissal, depression, drama and right now we are in a state of silence but there is a storm lashing inside of us. Sometimes I want to get out of this entity and rather be written than to sit and write. How horrible the world has evolved is such a matter of shame that needs to be discussed in detail. It does not spare even the depressed. It uses them and throws like garbage. How can one use a person when they are already in pain? But, this question has no relevance today because I have let it happen and I had no control over it.
I am feeling tired. But, I cannot rest. I am feeling hungry. But, I cannot eat. I am feeling so upset. But, I cannot afford to cry because, the world believes that I am capable of making others cry and not the other way around. I am feeling lonely. But, everyone wants that to remain alike. I am feeling so many such things but, why does the world not accept my feelings to be occurring? If a person needs someone to be listened to, then can I not have the same feeling? Why is it that I am in front of this screen and not next to my loved one?
I am trying to keep my fingers facing the keyboard and not pointing at anyone because I don't have the time and energy to blame anyone or anything. All I am here for is to pour out what no human entity is ready to listen to. I would even accept a fake listener right now because, I can be content that there is at least a listener. I always listen to what my Love has to say because, I know how much it hurts to find oneself without a human entity at times of distress.
I have been abandoned. I feel betrayed. Yes. It is true. I have been abandoned mid-way. I have been betrayed. When I am still alive, I have witnessed many events unfold in front of my eyes that have shattered my inner self. I pretend to be so tough on the outside because every time I get hurt, I could see that my inner core is so fragile. Time and again, I have only found my core being smashed and thrashed end to end. With whatever left inside, I try to regain lost ground but, this sense of betrayal and the sense of being abandoned is so piercing.
After five paragraphs, I feel I have to end this and get to my Love. But, in what state is she today? I do not know because she cannot trust me and will not tell me anything. Thus, I know the state I am in. When she told me not to judge her, it pained a lot. When she told about her events, it just numbs all my other senses. No pain, no gain is a popular catch phrase. But, for how long? I am about to find out. My journey to abandon everything that is surrounding me and go in search of answers is about to begin anytime. A journey of a thousand miles is up ahead. My whereabouts will be a question till then.- rPhoenix
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