Occurrences in Life and their repercussions alter our future course of action. Somewhere in between I have lost my flair. I am not even aware if I had such flair. Not anymore are these words sought after, is what I hear. I am not worried about the reasons. Neither am I trying to find out the same. It has become an addiction that I feel if I do not sit and pen down something that comes to my mind for that moment, I am not able to relax myself. I have purposely lost my readers for some other purpose. In fact, I never started writing to gather readers.
I have let down people in some expectations. Some or many, I am yet to know. As of now, I know that I have not met those expectations. I have not closed the doors as such. I will meet them as and when I can. Random scribbling like these pave the way for some clarity. Of course, who will sit and read such long content?
The heart's so disturbed, it feels churned side to side. The sight is set firm even if the vision seems to blur out at times. The body's beacon keeps moving, unravelling truth from time to time. I have not settled and that is a constant till date. And, I will not settle like the silt on a lake so deep and lost. I will rather look towards becoming the pearl that is sought after even in the deep seas. Anyone who wants to reach me has to give their time and effort to make some gain out of it.
People have shown me Love and hate, they have shown me trust and betrayal, I have come across feeling secured and insecured, I have come across happiness and sadness, I have a plethora of emotions running around in my Life, I live my moments to the fullest without fail, yet, the only mistake I have done is to be true. I should have lied, I should have manipulated, I should have fallen prey to ill habits, I should have shown people all the negative emotions, I should have lived like a typical moron who runs the rat race instead of trying to be unique. Maybe, if I had done all these I would have found a family of my own by now just like how every other moron has found one. Uff, I am not sure, if I could do any one of these now.
I do everything for some benefit to others. These others are often my loved ones. But, my intentions are often mistaken or misunderstood to be towards creating pain or offence to them. That hurts a lot. The pain arising out of that takes a great deal of time to find my path back. But, by the time I find the pace, it appears to have become irrelevant. Scratching my head and splitting lanes, I still wander to find what I should be giving my Loved ones. If am addressing a friend, I would ask, "Oh friend, will they not understand?". But, I do not know what to fill in the blank. So, I ask, "Oh ________, will they not understand my true intentions?"
One other question that seems to be bothering me is, "Why is it that people cling to my mistakes a lot that remembering or mentioning about the good between us?" "Why is it easy to thrash me than to value me?" Why are people so fond of running away from me?" As I walk down the lane during a casual walk, I see people talking among themselves, some sharing laughter, some sharing their daily talks, some giving random smiles at each other and so on. All I work towards is to be there one among them. I have made efforts but, everytime even you seem to shut the doors on me or it has never been like you come to me to talk to me like there is no tomorrow.
Yes, I feel like I should be celebrated. I feel I should be needed. That moment when you told me your Love, I was so elated. But, the more you keep telling me about your current scenario, I feel so broken, shattered yet shining to someday be your Man. I am of the liquid form. I will appear to be shattered but, I will regain my sheen and work towards what I feel is needed. I might move with the flow and that is not myself running away. It is to find a better avenue to fulfill your needs. "Oh _____________, will you not understand?"
It is a Full Moon day, the biggest Moon of the year is visible right now. It is not easy to know you have given access to others and not to me. I cannot dismiss it. I need my access to you. How or in what way are they so important to have won that access? I have my ego questioning me alike. But, I still have not asked you the same in such a tone. I guess it is quite normal to feel alike.
I feel shattered. But, am fluidic and I will get myself back on track. Not for anyone else other than you. For, you are the one who makes me flow. A flowing liquid is always a better one than the one that is stagnant. "Oh __________, will you not understand?". -rPhoenix
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