Revelation...

I am here to make a revelation. I guess this post will never end. This is about my more than three decades of existence. I am not here to complain or lament. I am here to reveal, just that and nothing more or less. Of all that I have come across, of all that I have been subject to. I will take my time to add content. So, this post does not end with today. It will be a question and answer session with myself.

Let us start this. 

Did I have a happy childhood? 

No. Why? It was because, I had parasites in my home robbing me of my freedom and happiness. Other than that, I lived my first decade till my teens by just looking at my Father's face in a photograph. Not that my family had any problems, but it was because of his nature of work. Yet, the paternal touch was always missing. Also, ever since I knew basic mathematics, I began to realise that I was always in an environment of financial insecurity. I am not dealing with reasons, am just giving the facts straight and how it impacted me. 

Did I excel in academics? 

No. Why? With no one to hold my hands and teach me writing, I had a tough time to even develop a good hand-writing. When that is the case, how will anyone have guided me towards ranks and excellency in academics. My high school days were approaching. Maybe because of the lack of paternal touch in the early childhood or whatever could be the reason, I saw my Dad sit with me regarding academics for the first time when I was about to choose my line of study. I was hoping to get some guidance as I kept hearing from my peers that parents would know better in helping us out at this crucial stage. But, I ended up ticking the box all by myself because when given a chance to choose if it was Commerce or Science group, I had to choose the least expensive of the two because, no one was ready to spend for any expensive line of study for me. Then came my Under-graduation. This time, some stranger bought the application form and one more stranger helped me get a seat and that was in the last and final list for the year. Since there was no guidance at home, I picked up from my peers and decided to take a shot at competitive exams for higher education. And, I did get two admission letters from premier B-schools. No one bothered at home and I was penniless to afford it. Again, I am not going into the reasons. Just the facts. Then, I mustered some confidence into getting into a third tier college for my Post-graduation. This time, I roamed the streets of the city trying to get a place that would fit the affordability and quality of education. I got my seat without any recommendation fighting among thousands of applicants by just topping the aptitude test and most of all, by pointing out an error in their question paper itself. A very tough time it was to finally receive my Post-graduation because they knew I had pointed out errors about the management. Right now, there lies the pointer to my academics, still blinking with hopes of an MBA at a premier B-school.

Did I have friends?

No. My Mom was a school teacher and held a higher rank among the staff which protected me from bullying but it also ended any hopes of finding a good peer group. Everyone feared talking to me. That was schooling. As I entered UG, everyone had their peer groups by that time and it was always difficult to mingle with people and I had very bad experiences. I faced bullying and I could do nothing because I had no background to counter it. I ended up resorting to travelling. During my PG days, I tried to develop my network but, it is still only a handful and they all run to their peer groups and it was the same story again. In the work environment I have been, I developed another handful of contacts but, it was very late.

Did I enjoy luxuries?

NO. Ever since I entered my teens and started understanding the family dynamics and economics, I have not been comfortable to eat three full meals a day. All that I save would be swallowed sooner and if I have to afford a luxury, people around me would conduct debates. I have been forced to sell my possessions just to save the family at times. The house that we owned, the bikes that I owned, everything except my self. I grew up watching my environment develop so fast and myself falling so deep. I grew up dreaming of everything. Everyone whom I talk to make fun of me saying I dream a lot. That is because, I know in reality I am weak without a background. I live in my dreams most of the time and I exist in reality watching and facing all these. I was never at liberty to spend for myself. I had to always contribute to the family and its debts. I grew up with it and nobody ever guided me towards a way to get rid of it. I had to develop it on my own with so much of arguments and debates over every decision that was taken ever since. Luxuries? Well, I have my own list. But, none owned as of now.

Did I marry?

No. Who would give their Girl to me? Of course, I ask this myself because the day someone else asks me, I would breathe no further. Does that mean I am a coward. Not really. I am a victim. This is a game of civilization and when everyone is in Modern age, I was dropped inside brought directly from stone age. A moment to stop reading and take a hearty laugh at that I mentioned. Laugh. There is nothing wrong in it. So, my peers are all sending their children to school and I am here sitting with nothing. I love children. I am not gifted with any. If one does not sob upon realising that they have no children, they should not be humans. I can only watch children. I am watching one toddler grow up right now and I make sure I never get angry at that soul. I give all the love I can and I know that when it grows up, it may develop a sense of shame for having someone like me as its uncle. I know I will have to distance myself before that.

Did I have a career?

No. Nobody to guide and nobody to help. And, when they know I am better than their own child, they end up purposely delaying any help. Since I pointed out that error in the question paper, I was denied placement in my PG college. But, I never fell back. I knew I can find myself a job and I got it purely without an interview at my place of intern. My career is into safeguarding the workforce from any exploitation but when my seniors were into sexual exploitation of them, I had to take a call and quit. Why did this happen to me and not somewhere else? It was my only hope of fighting back all my disappointments in Life. But, that career I have been running after runs faster from me. I managed to find another company but they fired me because the director's niece was being appointed in my place. I did not sulk. I got another company. I managed 12-14 hours of work a day, 6 hours of travel a day and still gave my everything to not quit. But, when my appraisal was happening, I became too weak and started developing health complications because all the money I earned went into the family's debt account and I had no money to even eat or travel in comfort. That sounded the death knell for my appraisal and also my place in the company. Huh, how can a person work without food and sleep? I managed 11 months at it. Still, my career did not fall in place.

Did I have happiness, peace of mind, security, and so on?

Happiness would be in the smile I give everyone. I always feel happy when others are happy. I have made others happy. I did not know about happiness, neither had a chance to be happy with the way Life was going on until I realised she was in Love with me. That made me happy. It still makes me happy. My one and only happy moment was when she proposed. That was how I thought it to be. But, later she showed me that everything about her is happiness. But, there are entities that are marring my happiness by keeping her away from me. So, happiness is in a lot of insecurity. Peace of mind is a sure no. As for security, I have never been offered or bestowed with any form of security. I live in constant feel of insecurity and threatened by circumstances. My only security is my Love. She knows it yet, she...........................

So, I have covered most elements of Life from childhood to teenage to luxuries to necessities to academics to career to peers to family and so on. I will continue if I pick up any other element that I have missed out. Until then, -rPhoenix