In these few decades of living on this surface, I have come across many situations, phases, scenarios, circumstances, crossroads, and so on. People weigh each other differently, each one's perception varying according to their whims and fancies from time to time. What remains constant is our reception to everything good and bad. What have I been upto? What have I been worthy of? Where am I heading towards? What lies ahead and was it worth experiencing all these till date? Will it bear fruits in the future? Standing still even in times of turbulence, will this skill be of use in calm waters?
I have not been able to provide, but I have the heart to wish everyone. I have not been able to achieve big, but keep my dreams and desires a step above than others. I have never been able to deliver, but my heart keeps working towards those promises even if it is beyond date. I have not been proud of myself, but ensured everyone else carries an aura of pleasantness about them. I have not settled well like that guy whom they compare me with, but I have always aspired bigger than what they had even dreamt of.
I have not been a prized possession to many, but I house them all inside like my hard-fought trophies. I have not sacrificed like what others have done, but I always keep my priorities second to my loved ones'. I have not proved myself to be selfless, but I equally have not been able to showcase that I am not selfish. I have not treated anyone at par to myself, because I see them all one step above me.
I have to thank each and everyone for having undergone such extreme pain in handling me, even if all of them have found their exits, it is still my duty to convey my attitude of gratitude to each of them. All in all, I would just like to remind them that it was never my intention to cause such grievous harm to any of you. I am not simply transferring the blame elsewhere. It is just that after all these years of introspection, I am feeling this sense of enlightenment that it was mere circumstances. Still, I do not deny anyone an apology as such. Circumstances would never apologise, hence I do.
I am not feeling inferior in anyway except the extent to which each of you have shown your patience and care. I am superior in my own way, like all those I have listed as not accomplished and all those I have really intended. I wish there could be a unified voice that would deliver this note to all those who have handled me at some point in their Life. It is neither sympathy nor empathy that I am showing towards them. It is just a concern or maybe a realisation or maybe just a tribute.
To Bubbles,
Hey! What is it that you have been proud about me? What is it that you treasure about me? Is there anything at all that you miss from me? Has there been anything that I have taken away from you? Will there be an avenue to sort all this out and maybe settle my dues? I know although you read all these, you will not be telling me anything. Still, if you do feel like letting me know, you have the liberty to place the answers even on my tombstone after the inevitable.
*________________*
Phew! What a deep tone in this post?! I am at the extremes of my stress levels right now. I cannot even walk straight normally with my vision clouding with all these tasks in hand. It is nice that my Bike is sitting in the parking lot with a flat tyre and I am not travelling anytime soon. They call it a Burnout, some call it stress, some call it fate, some call it mental illness, but only the person who is really undergoing it knows what it exactly feels like to be facing this. It simply has no single terminology to describe this. Never mind. To find some relief from all these, I am visiting all those places we have spent our time together, Bubbles \(^_^)/. I will start from our first meeting place and make it to all the places until I reach that place where I saw you last and try to see if I find what I have missed to find myself in this position today. -rPhoenix
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