My Post...

Tears don't matter anymore. Whenever there are tearful eyes, I make sure to get rid of that reaction by the organ that keeps secreting this fluid. I assess the situation that made me end up so low and I convince myself with words people have used at me to describe me. Of course, not in the good sense, people have simply cursed and I use them to convince myself. This post is not for you Bubbles \(^_^)/ . Please do not read it. And, this I say not for you to think I am playing tricks to make you read it. This, simply is for me. Not you. Stay off and enjoy "The Love in us". *Smiles*

Wherever I go, I find myself alone. This sense of loneliness is catching up faster and it reaches all the places I visit even before I reach there. The sense of belonging seems to be washed off from me. Even though I want to stay, this sense of loneliness makes me an alien in every possible aspect I can think of. What option do I have then? I simply move from place to place. And, when I get tired, I end up here.

I read extensively. I read them repeatedly. I read about all that they used to describe me. It makes me timid. But, that is the only way I could convince myself. If it is relating to money, I relate myself to words where they described me like "you do not even have a job and you say you can make me live my life in my current lifestyle?". If it is relating to my dreams, I relate to words where I have been described as, "You want me to marry you so that you can settle yourself well?". If it is relating to love, I go back and see how they described me as a "selfish jerk". 

Huh, to all those people, I would like to remind them to look around and see how safe they are and how I have given them all the space they needed. It is not what they fought and got. Well, they will never agree. Let them raise their collars. For, those 75 minutes of talk over the phone is still to be answered. Ah, what words?! What language?! What is the use with all the money in the end? Never mind. I have my own beliefs and faith. And, Yes, Hope.

If I have to make a post for myself here, then this would be it. This is not about sympathy nor empathy. I do not want any of you to look at it that way. Let these be plain facts. I am alone. Yes. I do not eat. Yes. I cannot sleep. Yes. But, I am full on hope and belief and faith. Yes. I go to heights of craziness and still keep up these beliefs. Who would talk for me? No one. Heck, why would they? For, after all these years, she simply asked, "who the heck are you?". Yes, I ask myself every time, "who the heck am I?". Isn't it true? Of course, who am I? or, maybe I should ask correctly like, "What am I?"

If something is mine, people would look at it like an untouchable. If there is something I like, people would simply hate it. If I say you are mine, you said you will kill yourself. Woah! That is it. Why would I even have to continue? If it is hatred from one, we can hope to find another. But, if the hatred is in unison from all, this is what I have to say, "I simply do not know what to do, People!". Why keep killing what is already dead from inside? Or, why set fire to something that is in ashes already? Isn't the result of repetitive killing and burning going to be the same?

But, I would like to thank everyone of you for having brought me to this state of mind, now I have so much hatred on myself. This hatred is what when expressed is being termed as myself being inferior or having an inferiority complex. And, not just that. They even call it putting the blame on others for my misfortunes or "inability". I used to wonder when people used to call me pathetic and incapable, where was the blame coming from and where was it being put? Later, I realised, I can be blamed and even if I talk facts, it would be like I am blaming. It makes me laugh initially and when it sinks in, it would be like a million daggers piercing through me. 

Why do I not talk about these to real people? Heck, why would I? I asked for comments from those readers who walk in here since December, 2017 and we have proof of the response I have received till this post. Not a single comment. So, why would I talk these to real people? It is rather wise to keep it engraved here. I leave my name, fame and shame right here. For, those who read what I scribble have all the right to know about me as well. Hope it was knowledge enough for you all. Signing off for now. -rPhoenix